I am a 33 year old high achieving female with perfectionism tendencies. On paper I am the youngest manager at my company; however, I continue to experience self-doubt in my relationships, most likely stemming from my father’s lack of validation in my youth. Am I good enough? I’ve noticed self-doubt trickle into numerous relationships and I feel like I may be indulging in my worry and sabotaging perfectly good relationships. I’ve been with my partner for over a year. He is kind and genuine, showing his affection by acts of service such as getting my vehicle washed when I’m working long hours or cooking dinner. I feel like I am the one initiating words of affirmation, like saying, “I love you,” or desiring physical touch. How do I get out of my own head and stop this unhealthy pattern?
How does my anxiety affect my relationships?
Dear Reader,
Unresolved trauma often causes us to repeat similar patterns in our relationships leading to feelings of uncertainty and low self-worth. Despite your skill set and excelling in your career, you are left with feelings of emptiness and self-doubt. Am I worthy of being loved? Will I ever find fulfillment? Often as women, we may feel we lacked support or validation from a male role model. As these patterns continues to resurface, we need to ask ourselves the role we are playing in perpetuating our own self-doubt and how we need to stop the cycle to allow meaningful, fulfilling relationships to enter into our lives?
Your partner speaks about you to his friends in a positive light and his acts of service demonstrate his affection for you, despite them differing from your love language, which involves words of affirmation and physical touch.
Healing from your father’s lack of validation is necessary however, you may pause in confronting him due to feeling the result may be off putting. Will he respond the way I need him too? Often when we need closure and are reluctant to speak to the source directly, journaling can be helpful. Pouring your thoughts on paper, as if you were speaking to your father and discussing your feelings in therapy may feel cathartic. Allowing your younger self to speak to your father about the hurt you experienced when he did not verbally say, “I love you” back or the fear he inflicted by his controlling personality is relevant.
Simultaneously, allowing yourself to feel the emotions related to needing physical touch—such as initiating a long hug with your partner or holding hands for an extended period—may help you heal while providing the affection you crave. This is not selfish. You are taking care of your own needs. Reminding yourself that your partner is not your father is essential.
Allow your inner child to heal. Breathe in your resilience, shared vulnerability and ability to heal. You are worthy of great things. You are worthy of being loved.
“Tell me what you want to do with your one wild and precious life?”– Mary Oliver
If you relate to this situation and face anxiety in relationships as well, contact Bainbridge Center for Development and Growth to start your journey towards healing.
Sincerely,
Wendy Croll, MA, LPC, LLC
Clinical Director + Psychotherapist
